Titanium

I am titanium. I am strong… at least i’m trying to be. I’m trying to pick myself up and dust myself off, despite the many things trying to pull me back down to a darker place. I’ve been there and I was stuck there for what seemed to be very long time. I had someone pushing me (not family) to do and say things I was not comfortable with and at the time I felt there was only one way out. He was a male figure who I had put complete trust into but he ended up driving me into a deep depression. It was scary, and I know I will never go back to that place, but whenever I start feeling a wave of sadness come back over me it makes me nervous. I’m keeping my head above water. Not only am I keeping it above water but i’m floating on my own and am keeping myself in a positive environment and surrounding myself with those who love me and care for me. I’m in a good state of mind which is something I haven’t been able to say for a while now.

On a happier note, it is my birthday in less than 48 hours. What is this craziness? I’ll be 18. I can vote and i’m legally an adult. This is huge and I intend to make this birthday the best I can and NOT spend it in another doctors office! I’ll be spending my birthday with friends and of course my favorite horse. You’ll be able to find me blasting music in my car headed to the barn to have a great, no doctor no medical nothing, day! WAHOOOOOO! Of course being a safe driver at the same time! I’m hoping in the next few weeks i’ll be able to see one of my best friends, Marybeth. She has been like a sister to me and a best friend. She gives me amazing guidance as she is older than I am and can always turn around my outlook when it’s negative! I can’t believe that i’m lucky enough to know such an incredible person. I know she’ll be able to guide me through the “big 18” and help me navigate this now seemingly larger world.

So June, give me all ya got, but i’m going to take it and run with it. I got this, and i’m fighting as hard as I can. I refuse to give up.
Great motivational song and the inspiration behind this blog post:

Things are lookin’ up

5/26/15

I hadn’t written for a few days because frankly I was in a very bad mood. Things weren’t going my way and saying that I was extremely stressed about this whole new diet is an understatement. The idea of getting rid of pretty much every single thing i’m used to and replacing it with foods that i’m not used to was really getting on my nerves. Lets just say I wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around.

I also had a really bad lesson on Sunday. I was already in a bad mood and was upset and then my trainer went and yelled at me for a good 30 minutes. It was my fault because I wasn’t riding well, but still, it wasn’t what I needed. So yeah that ended in tears. Second time in two weeks… how embarrassing.

I had tutoring for school today as well. It went as well as it could considering i’m back to not sleeping at all, getting horrendous headaches, and feeling extremely crappy all around. Even though I wasn’t feeling well for whatever reason I decided that it would be a good idea to go bounce on the trampoline. Didn’t go on it once… or twice… but three times. And did a loooooot of jumping. It was so much fun but now i’m paying for it. Still haven’t learned my lesson, i’m sure i’ll be back on it in the next week or so!

So that is all. Hopefully will get back on track with writing. For now i’m going to go snuggle under some fuzzy blankets and watch Netflix! I’m sure the next few days will be better and more hopeful, but only time will tell. Oh! And I turn 18 a week from tomorrow. Really hoping that 18 will be a great year and i’ll be able to get back to being a kid. Hope everyone is hanging in and staying strong 🙂

Annoyed

5/23/15

I turn 18 in a week and all I want is freedom. Freedom to be a kid, freedom to make choices of my own. Freedom to decide what I want, not what someone else wants, for myself. I’m old enough and mature enough (I think) to know what would be the right path for me is or the right decisions.

My naturopath is demanding that I remove all computers and cell phones, and pretty much everything plugged in, from my room. This has me extremely annoyed. I am a typical 18 year old teenager who is attached to her cell phone and computer. I’m a social person even though i’m sick and am constantly texting friends until late at night or am on FB talking to people. Along with that I also have this blog which I am keen to keep using and writing on, and I do my best writing in my room at night. At least I think so. So this whole idea of “cut yourself off entirely and make it even more evident that you’re different” is not one I am fond of… at all.

This seems stupid, i’m sure, but this is one thing that I am NOT going to do. I am sleeping better since he adjusted my back and haven’t had nightmares so someone please tell me why the hell I have to remove them from my room. I DO NOT WANT TO. I have been sleeping with them for years and have never had any problems sleeping until I got sick, which is definitely from the Lyme. I do not believe that computers and my cell phone (all of which are turned off at bedtime) could be or would be disturbing my sleep. It’s stupid. Cut me off and isolate me a little more than ya already have, will ya? Jeeze! I swear sometimes doctors are aiming to cut me off from everyone and make my life just that much harder and more isolating. Even my mom is on his side. UGHHHH. It’s stupid and i’m not a happy camper tonight.

My Safe Place

The saddle has always been my favorite place to relax and think and probably always will be. Second best is taking a ride in the car, but there will never be a feeling that beats sitting on the back of a big warmblood.

Though riding is a dangerous sport and many have gotten hurt by these powerful animals, including myself, I will never feel more relaxed anywhere other than the saddle. I pretty much grew up riding and started in a lesson program as early as I could (5 or 6) so i’ve been around horses for a very long time. There are even pictures of me when I was very little being held by my mom and myself reaching out to touch a horse. Believe it or not, the first book my mom ever read to me was the famous “Black Beauty”. I was adopted but my birth mother also grew up around horses and loved them, so it’s pretty much in my blood. I have always been drawn to the amazing creatures and the incredible, indescribable, bond you can create with them.

On good days, you’ll find me at the barn. On bad days, you’ll find me dragging myself off of the couch to go to the barn. It’s my second home, somewhere that i’m comfortable and love being. Though fellow equestrians know that there can and usually is a lot of barn drama, my barn being no different, there are others there who share our passion and quickly become close friends. Even on a horrible day I will willingly go to the barn because if i’m not in the hospital there is no way i’ll be missing my treasured time at the barn.

So though many people would never say that being on the back of a 16hh horse cantering and navigating a course of jumps is their “safe place”, it sure is mine.

Thought I would include this lovely photo of the infamous George Morris. I, and many other equestrians pretty much live by this quote. If we're not on our way to the hospital, you can sure as hell bet we'll be getting back on!

Thought I would include this lovely photo of the infamous George Morris.  Many equestrians live by this quote when it comes to riding. If we’re not on our way to the hospital, you can sure as hell bet we’ll be getting back on!

Picking myself back up

There’s a quote that circulates in the equestrian community and one that many of us go by and follow which is “pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the saddle.” Though this obviously applies to equestrians specifically with the reference to the saddle, it can also be taken and used by others.

The naturopath appointment kind of knocked me down. Don’t get me wrong, it was a very positive appointment and one that provided great hope, but the future is scary. I am one who hates many foods and tastes and have a very low tolerance for new tastes, so taking a bunch of new things will be hard. My mom came up to me the other day and said in reference to pills that “the most you’ll have to take at once is 7.” 7 is no big deal, but that’s just at one time. I’ll be taking many others throughout the day and will probably get up to around 30 new things i’m introducing to my body. Plus all of the things i’ll be putting in my water. My body does not handle new things very well, even if they are natural like herbs, so i’m nervous about how this is going to go. I know many others have it worse, but I needed to get it out. It scared me and still does and knocked me off my feet. I hit the ground hard and it sure as hell gave me a reality check. I’m sick. If I don’t do this i’m not going to get better, rather i’ll slowly get worse. There is no way around this… and that’s terrifying.

I’m sure others are reading this shaking their heads that i’m complaining. This is my journey as a 17 year old, i’m not always going to be happy go lucky and this blog definitely shows that.

I’ll be riding tomorrow and I really hope that is able to help me get my mind off of things, at least for a little bit. Taking some deep breaths and preparing myself to walk down this new path with newfound hope and positivity.

Naturopath Appointment

Appointment started at 9, didn’t walk out of the office until 11. Then I had school this afternoon. I’m exhausted.

The naturopath went well and he seems like he knows how to help me which is fantastic news. Only thing is that it’s going to involve a lot of herbs (mostly capsules) and then some liquids that I have to mix in with water. That and I have to drink 2 liters+ of water a day, and i’m someone who hates drinking water. It’s going to be hard but I hope i’ll get used to it, right now if I drink a glass of water in one sitting I feel like i’m going to throw up. Yuck. We’ll see…. my body is going to have to get used to it. I’m hypersensitive to taste,smell,sound, etc so this is going to be a real test for sure.

He also thinks that something is up with my liver (everything is clear on blood work in terms of my liver) but he said that and my brain seem to be really inflamed. Also that I have a build up of chemicals in my system which is also making me as sick as I am. He used “Autonomic Response Testing” to figure all of this out, though i’m not exactly sure how much of it I believe. Along with all of that I have a ton of sensitivities to different things like medications and foods. My diet will be changing A LOT which is going to be pretty hard, but again, I know i’ll get used to it. A lot of protein and pretty much cutting out everything else because my body seems to hate it. Sadly saying goodbye to gluten and dairy along with some other things *tear*.

Being an equestrian I have had several falls, one of which a many years ago got me kicked in the head. I was wearing a helmet but apparently that was a traumatic head injury and had thrown some things off in my body. He re-alligned my sacrum and some other wacky stuff and said I should be all set in that category and hopefully it’ll help some of the headaches and migranes i’ve been getting.

Besides ART, he used something called tapping. Now this drove me nuts to be completely honest. I’ve always been someone who doesn’t like being poked and prodded, now imagine a middle aged man constantly tapping your head and prodding different parts of you. He’s a very nice guy and very knowledgable, but by the end of the session I was ready to start tapping his head! GAH.

In a week i’ll be trying not to throw up while swallowing disgusting pills and drinking water with a bunch of minerals and stuff. Yay. Though it’s going to be hard I feel this is the right step in a positive direction….

I know i’ve left out a bunch of stuff so i’ll just end up incorporating that into some other posts in the next few days. Hope everyone is having a low pain day! I, for one, am off to go eat and crawl into bed early. Goodnight all 🙂

Jealousy

I’m jealous. Not something i’m proud of, and definitely not proud of the fact that the person i’m jealous of is my brother! It’s a valid reason(s) as to why I am but it’s just weird. I don’t know.

As i’ve said before we’re twins, so we’ve always been competing against one another weather it be in school or in sports. We were always kind of on the same “level” so there wasn’t very much for either of us to be jealous about when it came to one another. But now that we are on a different level school wise and friends wise, the jealousy on my end might just be beginning to show… though I would deny it anywhere but this blog. Oops.

We’re both 17 (turning 18 in less than a month) so this is the time in teens lives where they get to go out and have fun, meaning prom and hanging out with friends….. aaaaaand graduation. He’s graduating this year, i’m not. That’s the straightest way to put it. And i’m beyond jealous. I hide it as best as I can but ugh it’s so frustrating! I’m the better student between the two of us (or at least I was before I got sick) and I have always cared more about school and my grades than he has. Now take that, and imagine how it would feel to see your brother (who oh by the way doesn’t care about school) walk across the stage and graduate while you have been sick and all you can do is sit and watch. Yeah. Not fun. What has he done to deserve that? I’ve had a 24/7 job for over 2 years now and I don’t get a certificate for that, do I? I’m not complaining or anything (yes I am) but it’s so annoying. And that’s why I won’t be going to his graduation. Yada yada ya, once in a lifetime experience, blah blah blah, can’t ever go back and go, blah yada I DON’T CARE. Not going. That’s the end of that.

Besides school, he gets to spend time with friends and go to PROM. This isn’t as big of a deal to me as the school thing is as I do have a great support system and friends to stand behind me, but it’s just I was supposed to go this year. I was SUPPOSED to go. It was SUPPOSED to be my senior year and senior prom. But I CAN’T go. I’m way too light and sound sensitive for it to even be an option. You would probably find me in the corner in the fetal position with my makeup smeared which isn’t exactly picture perfect. He gets to go out and party while i’m home most nights lacking the motivation or desire to get off of the couch. Le sigh.

None of this is any fault of his own and maybe i’m asking too much, but I WISH he would appreciate how great he has it. He is living his life while mine is on hold and I wish he could see that he needs to be thankful for his health and everything he has.

Taking deep breaths and trying not to scream. It’s gonna be a looooong rest of the day.