I am titanium. I am strong… at least i’m trying to be. I’m trying to pick myself up and dust myself off, despite the many things trying to pull me back down to a darker place. I’ve been there and I was stuck there for what seemed to be very long time. I had someone pushing me (not family) to do and say things I was not comfortable with and at the time I felt there was only one way out. He was a male figure who I had put complete trust into but he ended up driving me into a deep depression. It was scary, and I know I will never go back to that place, but whenever I start feeling a wave of sadness come back over me it makes me nervous. I’m keeping my head above water. Not only am I keeping it above water but i’m floating on my own and am keeping myself in a positive environment and surrounding myself with those who love me and care for me. I’m in a good state of mind which is something I haven’t been able to say for a while now.
On a happier note, it is my birthday in less than 48 hours. What is this craziness? I’ll be 18. I can vote and i’m legally an adult. This is huge and I intend to make this birthday the best I can and NOT spend it in another doctors office! I’ll be spending my birthday with friends and of course my favorite horse. You’ll be able to find me blasting music in my car headed to the barn to have a great, no doctor no medical nothing, day! WAHOOOOOO! Of course being a safe driver at the same time! I’m hoping in the next few weeks i’ll be able to see one of my best friends, Marybeth. She has been like a sister to me and a best friend. She gives me amazing guidance as she is older than I am and can always turn around my outlook when it’s negative! I can’t believe that i’m lucky enough to know such an incredible person. I know she’ll be able to guide me through the “big 18” and help me navigate this now seemingly larger world.
So June, give me all ya got, but i’m going to take it and run with it. I got this, and i’m fighting as hard as I can. I refuse to give up.
Great motivational song and the inspiration behind this blog post:
I hadn’t written for a few days because frankly I was in a very bad mood. Things weren’t going my way and saying that I was extremely stressed about this whole new diet is an understatement. The idea of getting rid of pretty much every single thing i’m used to and replacing it with foods that i’m not used to was really getting on my nerves. Lets just say I wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around.
I also had a really bad lesson on Sunday. I was already in a bad mood and was upset and then my trainer went and yelled at me for a good 30 minutes. It was my fault because I wasn’t riding well, but still, it wasn’t what I needed. So yeah that ended in tears. Second time in two weeks… how embarrassing.
I had tutoring for school today as well. It went as well as it could considering i’m back to not sleeping at all, getting horrendous headaches, and feeling extremely crappy all around. Even though I wasn’t feeling well for whatever reason I decided that it would be a good idea to go bounce on the trampoline. Didn’t go on it once… or twice… but three times. And did a loooooot of jumping. It was so much fun but now i’m paying for it. Still haven’t learned my lesson, i’m sure i’ll be back on it in the next week or so!
So that is all. Hopefully will get back on track with writing. For now i’m going to go snuggle under some fuzzy blankets and watch Netflix! I’m sure the next few days will be better and more hopeful, but only time will tell. Oh! And I turn 18 a week from tomorrow. Really hoping that 18 will be a great year and i’ll be able to get back to being a kid. Hope everyone is hanging in and staying strong 🙂
The saddle has always been my favorite place to relax and think and probably always will be. Second best is taking a ride in the car, but there will never be a feeling that beats sitting on the back of a big warmblood.
Though riding is a dangerous sport and many have gotten hurt by these powerful animals, including myself, I will never feel more relaxed anywhere other than the saddle. I pretty much grew up riding and started in a lesson program as early as I could (5 or 6) so i’ve been around horses for a very long time. There are even pictures of me when I was very little being held by my mom and myself reaching out to touch a horse. Believe it or not, the first book my mom ever read to me was the famous “Black Beauty”. I was adopted but my birth mother also grew up around horses and loved them, so it’s pretty much in my blood. I have always been drawn to the amazing creatures and the incredible, indescribable, bond you can create with them.
On good days, you’ll find me at the barn. On bad days, you’ll find me dragging myself off of the couch to go to the barn. It’s my second home, somewhere that i’m comfortable and love being. Though fellow equestrians know that there can and usually is a lot of barn drama, my barn being no different, there are others there who share our passion and quickly become close friends. Even on a horrible day I will willingly go to the barn because if i’m not in the hospital there is no way i’ll be missing my treasured time at the barn.
So though many people would never say that being on the back of a 16hh horse cantering and navigating a course of jumps is their “safe place”, it sure is mine.
Thought I would include this lovely photo of the infamous George Morris. Many equestrians live by this quote when it comes to riding. If we’re not on our way to the hospital, you can sure as hell bet we’ll be getting back on!