Ah, the holidays. I’d be lying if I said that I don’t absolutely adore this time of year. People are happier (kind of), nicer, and though probably a bit more stressed, seem lighter in a way. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but I hope it does.
Christmas today has been wonderful and a much needed day to relax at home and enjoy being around the fam. We all live under one roof (except for my brother who is away at college for the majority of the year) and we’re usually headed in different directions, so to be together is sadly, rare. Is what it is, just makes being together even more special!
- My normal PT has been away for the past few weeks so i’ve been working with another PT who I worked with for a year. Taking a different approach to things while we wait for him to get back… always good to get a second opinion!
- Acupuncture was getting a bit complicated and confusing for a while there, in the sense that we had absolutely no idea whatsoever what was going on. BUT, that seems to have changed and now we may have found the source for some of my symptoms… whoopie!
- Going to see some myofascial guy next weekend about my ankle to see if he can get my motor control moving in a better direction.
- Riding is on the back burner right now. My old lease went home and we brought in a new horse for trial. She quickly re-aquainted me with the ground so it’s fair to say that it didn’t work out and we’re back to searching for a new horse. *Sigh*, wasn’t meant to be. Oh well.
Yeah, maybe things have changed a bit. Maybe i’m facing a chronic illness, maybe i’m facing one that is even threatening to take my life. Either way, please try to remember that i’m still me. I know things are different than they used to be and that my world, and maybe yours, has been turned upside down and spun 180 degrees. I might be too sick to get out of bed some days, or have to cancel plans last minute because I just don’t feel up to going out. Trust me, I don’t want it to be this way and though things may have changed, I don’t want you to treat me differently. I want to be that fun loving, excitable, and happy go lucky person that you used to know and somewhere beneath all of my symptoms, I still am that person.
I’m still that person that you shared many laughs with. I’m still that person that you hung out with and talked for hours on end about irrelevant drama with. I’m still that person that you ran around while we were screaming at the tops of our lungs, having not a care in the world. I’m still that person that you stayed up with until 3am binge movies and eating all the junk food we could get our hands on. I’m still that person that you came to when life just wasn’t going your way, and you needed someone who understood. I’m still that person you knew way before all of this happened. As much as things have changed, please help me keep some kind of normalcy in my life. I don’t want to forget the person that I used to be, and I don’t want you to forget it either. I don’t want our amazing memories to fade into the background of my new reality, wether this reality be just for now or for forever. I’m trying to keep those memories alive because right now i’m fighting to get that person back.
No matter what, don’t forget about that effervescent person that you used to know. It might be challenging for the eye to see, but please look just a little bit harder. Beneath the shell of my exhausted body and behind the tears that I occasionally shed, I am still in here. Please don’t forget about the real me.
Don’t take the title literally, most of the time I know where i’m going when it comes to navigating streets or getting around town. I have some sense of direction in that sense and don’t physically get lost often. Emotionally, I can’t say the same. I’ve been slowly making progress in treatment, or at least I like to think so, though we’re still trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together to try and figure out how to make me feel better. I am confident in my doctors/rest of my team to get me there. Even if it takes time, i’m okay with it.
The past few months have been hard. I’ve been trying to cope with growing anxiety as well as physically not feeling well. My mind, quite honestly, never shuts the hell up. I wish it would. I wish I could stop thinking and stop worrying. I wish I could stop a compulsive habit that i’ve developed. I just want the world to stop moving for a bit so I can catch up and sort things out. Sadly, it obviously doesn’t work that way. I am trying to find my way while trying to keep myself surrounded by positive people, and people who are going to be there to support me. I need to keep my head above water, and I am, it just feels like sometimes everything is so heavy and is trying to drag me under. It’s scary and sometimes, even the toughest of the tough get scared. I’m a kid with a body that feels like it’s 80 and a mind way beyond the 18 years that i’ve lived. I’ve been through so much at this point and sometimes I stumble across photos from before I got sick, and for just a moment, close my eyes and try to remember the easier times. I hope and know that i’ll one day feel like the healthy 14 year old that I left behind 4, almost 5, years ago. I’ll keep fighting day and night just so I can take one baby step closer to life after Lyme.
With my birthday looming in less than two months, i’m hoping for a better 19 than the 18 that I was given. If it doesn’t happen, though i’ll be crushed, i’ll move on and hope for a better 20.
Stay strong. One day at a time.
I’m really not sure where to start or if I should even put my story out there. People are quick to judge and many don’t believe in the daily suffering that people with Lyme go through… it’s strange in a way, and people truly don’t understand it until they fall ill themselves. It’s a sad reality and a brutal truth that many of us came to terms with fairly quickly, including myself.
Every Lyme story is different, everyone leads different lives, and all of us have different levels of severity. But in the end, we all have at least one thing in common, which is of course, that we all got bitten by a damn tick. One little tick has flipped my life upside down and managed to put a road block on my life, that even if I tried, I wouldn’t have enough energy, strength, or concentration to try and move.
I myself spend a lot of time around horses weather it be walking through knee high grass in the height of tick season or just snuggling with my little monster (8yo thoroughbred) on a rainy day. It’s fair to say that ticks have had many chances to feast on my blood…. uhm ew. Bugs have always been attracted to me, if I was outside for one minute I would come back inside with five mosquito bites that soon became very red and itchy. It was always a joke between my mom and I that bugs could find me no matter where I was, but I never ever imagined getting something from a little vampire (aka a tick) that I have always had a phobia of. If you ask me it’s quite ironic; i’ve always had a fear of ticks and I end up getting Lyme Disease!
My journey has just started and I return to my Lyme Doctor next week to discuss test results and the path of my personal treatment. I’m a teen going through this and never before have I felt so isolated, so maybe, just maybe, if I could help one person by writing this blog, it would make everything worth it.
That’s all for now… excited to keep track of my journey and see where it leads me!