Loss

I’ve lost a lot of things since I became sick. I’ve lost friends, i’ve lost my health, i’ve lost my ability to ride my horse. I’ve been surrounded by loss and i’ve dealt with it and taken it in stride. I’ve always been able to jump over those hurdles, or at least pull

myself over them. Yesterday I lost something, someone, that meant more to me than I can ever explain. She was my 15 year old dog. Her name was Belle (I called her Bella) which stands for “beautiful” in Italian. She was an absolutely gorgeous dog, both inside and out. We rescued her when she was about 1 (I was about 4) from a shelter not far from where I live. She had been in a bad situation where (we think) the man was abusive towards his wife or kids. We think that because from the minute she came home she protected both my mom and I, more so myself as I was little and she seemed to understand that. I pretty much grew up with her by my side. Whenever I was sick she wouldn’t leave my side and rightfully earned her nickname of “nurse dog.” A year or so ago someone tried to enter my house while I was home alone. Even in her old age, Belle growled the most viscous growl while showing her teeth and keeping an eye on me in the other room to make sure that I was safe. Thankfully whoever it was left before even taking more than a few steps into the house and Belle is to thank for that. Belle was my girl, she stayed by my side throughout my entire Lyme journey up to this point. She was there for me, always making me laugh and smile through the tears. Whenever I was upset she would be by my side or just tried to show me that she was there. My little sparkle of life isn’t here anymore and my heart couldn’t be anymore broken. Yesterday we did the last kind thing we could do for her, we released her from the pain that she had so bravely withstood. Yesterday my beautiful sparkle of light, my beautiful Bella girl, left this world. I miss her to a point that words cannot even describe, I will miss her to no end but now know that there is a sparkle of light up there somewhere keeping watch over me. Bella girl, mama loves you and is so thankful that you came into my life. Thank you for just being you, thank you for being my girl, thank you for being my best friend. I love you so so much. This isn’t a goodbye, it’s just a see you later my little angelย ๐Ÿ’•12063593_1015453251855227_5644274297517081134_n (1)

Oh what a long day!

5/13/15

6:00am i’m woken up by loud coughing, someone throwing up, and carrying on. It was my brother who apparently was sick and couldn’t use one of the bathrooms in my house that wasn’t close to my room. Sigh. Quickly curled up and headed back to bed.

8:20am. Now this one was interesting. My mom came barging into my room yelling at me telling me to get up because the Carbon Monoxide alarms were going off and she couldn’t get them to stop. Now anyone knows that when Carbon Monoxide alarms go off and you have checked them over for battery issues and stuff, YOU GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. So yeah, I got up, grabbed my dogs, and ran outside in my PJ’s to be greeted by the fire department. I could just feel the judgement as I was in short shorts and a t-shirt, but hey I just woke up and i’m sick! Thankfully we got the all clear and could go back inside.

That’s how my morning went. Afternoon was quieter which I spent resting and a couple of hours at the barn. I always say that I ride better when I feel like shit which I proved again today. That’s just how it goes.

Looks like we’ll be headed to a naturopath since i’m now allergic to medications that were supposed to solve all of this for me. Filled out some paper work tonight and realized that soon i’ll be signing for myself, which also made me think about how long i’ve been sick for. Though all of this has been Hell, i’ve matured a lot because of it and gained life experiences that many others won’t have. Trying to find a little positive in every negative ๐Ÿ™‚

Have been super sensitive to light and sound today so really looking forward to crawling back in bed. So for today, that is all.

Write tomorrow. Stay strong, keep fighting, one step at a time.