I’m Still Me

Yeah, maybe things have changed a bit. Maybe i’m facing a chronic illness, maybe i’m facing one that is even threatening to take my life. Either way, please try to remember that i’m still me. I know things are different than they used to be and that my world, and maybe yours, has been turned upside down and spun 180 degrees. I might be too sick to get out of bed some days, or have to cancel plans last minute because I just don’t feel up to going out. Trust me, I don’t want it to be this way and though things may have changed, I don’t want you to treat me differently. I want to be that fun loving, excitable, and happy go lucky person that you used to know and somewhere beneath all of my symptoms, I still am that person.

I’m still that person that you shared many laughs with. I’m still that person that you hung out with and talked for hours on end about irrelevant drama with. I’m still that person that you ran around while we were screaming at the tops of our lungs, having not a care in the world. I’m still that person that you stayed up with until 3am binge movies and eating all the junk food we could get our hands on. I’m still that person that you came to when life just wasn’t going your way, and you needed someone who understood. I’m still that person you knew way before all of this happened. As much as things have changed, please help me keep some kind of normalcy in my life. I don’t want to forget the person that I used to be, and I don’t want you to forget it either. I don’t want our amazing memories to fade into the background of my new reality, wether this reality be just for now or for forever. I’m trying to keep those memories alive because right now i’m fighting to get that person back.

No matter what, don’t forget about that effervescent person that you used to know. It might be challenging for the eye to see, but please look just a little bit harder. Beneath the shell of my exhausted body and behind the tears that I occasionally shed, I am still in here. Please don’t forget about the real me.

Absent

I’ve been gone for a while… again. Not sure why I can’t get onto the bandwagon when it comes to WordPress. I feel like i’ll never gain a following on here, and while I know that that shouldn’t be my motivation to write it, shamefully, is. I do love writing, but I also love having an audience and getting feedback from said audience. It’s funny, i’m not an overly social person “in real life” but I love communicating through the internet and through social media. With that being said, what 19 year old doesn’t? I’m considering posting the link to my Tumblr if I haven’t already, I have a more consistent presence on there and sometimes (rarely) write about my life.

Change of topic, woohoo! Today was the election and my first time voting, i’m officially an adult in the eyes of the law (sort of, I still can’t drink) so this was a pretty exciting milestone. Tonight will be spent biting my nails and searching for a hard wall in my house to bang my head against if the election doesn’t go the way I would like. I’m hoping by the end of the night i’ll be singing “Never gonna be president now!” (Hamilton reference, if you get that we should be friends) about the candidate that I strongly dislike. Oh boy, we’re in for a long night!

Another day.

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Look at that, i’m back already! Today has been a bit of a rough day, so I thought i’d include a picture of Patrick Dempsey posing with a gorgeous horse to cheer myself up. Why not, right? I had PT today and kinda got slapped in the face with reality. Truth is, my ankle isn’t holding up well and isn’t happy with me. Despite my desperate pleas for it to settle down, it has taken on quite an attitude and has been throwing impressive tantrums. *Sigh* there are just some battles you just can’t win. I’ll be taking 1-2 weeks off of riding (mark my words, it will be no longer than that) to hopefully allow the pain to calm down so we can focus on improving my motor control, which will help me ride more comfortably and effectively than I can at the moment. While I admit that I almost broke down crying when I was told that I needed this tiny bit of time off, i’m okay now and am moving forward. I’ll be back soon, and better than ever.

Quiet? I don’t think so!

It’s a bit busy in my house today. Maybe more than just a “bit” actually. Gardeners are outside pulling weeds which have taken over the “garden” that we have and are probably up to my neck, though they aren’t making much noise. Then we have 2 guys in the basement ripping up flooring because yet another pipe burst which led to water leaking which then leads to more lovely mold. Woohoo! Our cleaning lady was also here this morning, though she left a bit ago. So all in all, today has been loud and busy.

Yesterday consisted of PT and a glutathione injection, so that was fun (please note the sarcasm). PT is something I look forward to, but getting stabbed with a needle… not so much. Seems like my ankle is going through yet another “phase” of throwing tantrums and has been refusing to calm down for the last month or so. We’re not exactly sure what’s going on as the pain has increased and my motor control isn’t getting any better. It can be a bit frustrating for me so right now i’m trying to just get through it. We used ultrasound on the side of my ankle yesterday to help with pain, along with massage… did anybody say OW?! It looks like a lot more of the hands on therapy is in my future which is fine by me, it can just be a bit painful. Even so, it’s clear that you don’t get through life unscathed, so it is what it is for now. i’m lucky to have such a great physical therapist who is extremely knowledgable and is helping me get through this + is helping to keep me in a positive mental place along the way.

Today is just a boring day at home though so really I have nothing even relatively interesting to talk about. I upgraded my Iphone to IOS10 which i’m loving so far, and The Sims announced a new expansion pack which i’m excited about. I’m a bit of a techy kid, but what teenager isn’t these days?

So for now, that’s all. My dog is staring at me and clearly wants something which means I better figure it what she wants ASAP. She’s a 4 year old terrier so ignoring her isn’t exactly an option! Who knows when you’ll hear from me again or if you even want to hear from me again. Stay strong and take things day by day! Bye for now 🙂

Where I Turn

In hard times people tend to look for somewhere or someone to turn to. Sometimes that is faith and they will turn to their God for help and pray for their health to be returned; or it could be a family member. “In sickness and in health” is a vow you make to one another at the alter and is meant to be honored. Or, if you are like me, you turn to an animal(s) who don’t understand your language, but seem to provide comfort and strength in an indescribable way.

I have been an avid horse lover since I was little and started riding when I was 5 or 6, i’m 18 now. It has been a long time and I of course can’t imagine my life without horses in it. Yes, they are animals who have a mind of their own. Yes, my horse could easily kill me with one kick from his hoof to my head, but he is my comfort. He is my reassurance, the reliable element that exists in my life. He doesn’t speak my language, but in a way that almost makes me feel more connected to him. It is a silent yet solid connection that can be witnessed in a quiet cuddle or even jumping a long course. It’s all communication between horse and rider, and one that I am very thankful to be able to understand. I can trust him with the whispered secrets that I tell him when nobody is listening, I know that he’ll be there for cuddles after a horrible day, I know he won’t judge me. I know he will love me unconditionally, no matter how sick I may be. He is the one steady element in my life, one of whom I literally trust with my life.

When i’m having a hard day, where is the first place I turn to? The barn. Something about that sweet (what some people call “disgusting”) smell of fresh hay and a soft nuzzle from my favorite pony (really a horse) makes everything disappear and the stress and weight of the world be lifted from my shoulders. There is no better feeling than climbing on the back of a horse in a quiet ring while enjoying each others presence to help the stress and tension melt away.

Today I realized just how lucky I am to have that outlet. One of my friends who i’ve known for about a year now lost her outlet, dance, to this awful thing called Lyme. It’s hard as I lost riding for nearly 19 months out of 24 months, and I know how devastating it can be to have to lose the one thing keeping you sane. So for anyone who has lost their outlet, their stress reliever, know that one day you will get it back. Keep fighting for it, because when you do finally get it back, it is the best feeling in the whole world.

Stuck & Some Wonderfully Fun Updates

I’m stuck. Stuck about what to write and kinda just stuck in general. Being stuck is a feeling I am pretty uncomfortable with, I like to be moving forward so feeling like this isn’t something I tolerate all that well. I go back to my Lyme doc next week and then the naturopath not long after that, so i’m hoping I won’t feel this way for much longer.

Yesterday I saw someone who I don’t get to see very often and who is really special to me. She is an incredible person who has kept me moving through all of this craziness and has helped keep my head above water. She also gave me a box (which is absolutely adorable in and of itself) filled with little goodies for my birthday and I maaaaayyy have almost shed a tear or two. I’m so lucky to know her and since she is older than I am she can share her wisdom and is able to further guide me through my journey! I honestly don’t know where I would be without her. Marybeth, THANK YOU for everything you have done for me!

I got my 2nd rabies shot on Saturday so that was just a blast. Good times… not. Only 2 more left thank goodness. I also went to PT today which surprisingly went well and we seem to be making some sort of progress. Though it’s extremely slow and at times really aggravating i’m glad to see something in my life that isn’t stuck!

Riding wise things are also kind of at a standstill. Not getting any better and don’t seem to be getting worse, at least I hope not. My trainer will be coming back after two weeks away which i’m excited about. I always miss her when she’s gone and I know that both myself and the ponyface benefit when she is home training us.

OH OH OH! And exciting news! I seem to finally have found some reasonably healthy snacks that I like. Surprisingly raisins and some veggie chips are at the top of that list… yum! And of course popcorn, my favorite right now is the Skinny Girl popcorn. Pretty yummy if you ask me.

So that is all for now. I feel like my posts have been pretty boring and I want to spice them up a little bit. We’ll see what the future holds for this blog, i’m excited to see where it goes. I also will be linking my tumblr at some point. It’s very relaxing (at least I like to think so) so whenever I need to chill out I just scroll for a while. Hope everyone is hanging in and is feeling okay!

Eighteen-day-old pygmy hippopotamus (Choeropsis liberiensis or Hexaprotodon liberiensis) makes his first public appearance with its 29-year-old mother Dina at the Bratislava zoo on May 24, 2011. The father is four-year-old Paul brought from the Berlin at the age of one. TOPSHOTS  AFP PHOTO / JOE KLAMAR (Photo credit should read JOE KLAMAR/AFP/Getty Images) [PNG Merlin Archive]

Just thought I would include this absolutely adorable photo of a baby hippo to brighten up your day a bit. I find them so cute and they always put a smile on my face! (Photo is from Tumblr, not my own!)