I am titanium. I am strong… at least i’m trying to be. I’m trying to pick myself up and dust myself off, despite the many things trying to pull me back down to a darker place. I’ve been there and I was stuck there for what seemed to be very long time. I had someone pushing me (not family) to do and say things I was not comfortable with and at the time I felt there was only one way out. He was a male figure who I had put complete trust into but he ended up driving me into a deep depression. It was scary, and I know I will never go back to that place, but whenever I start feeling a wave of sadness come back over me it makes me nervous. I’m keeping my head above water. Not only am I keeping it above water but i’m floating on my own and am keeping myself in a positive environment and surrounding myself with those who love me and care for me. I’m in a good state of mind which is something I haven’t been able to say for a while now.

On a happier note, it is my birthday in less than 48 hours. What is this craziness? I’ll be 18. I can vote and i’m legally an adult. This is huge and I intend to make this birthday the best I can and NOT spend it in another doctors office! I’ll be spending my birthday with friends and of course my favorite horse. You’ll be able to find me blasting music in my car headed to the barn to have a great, no doctor no medical nothing, day! WAHOOOOOO! Of course being a safe driver at the same time! I’m hoping in the next few weeks i’ll be able to see one of my best friends, Marybeth. She has been like a sister to me and a best friend. She gives me amazing guidance as she is older than I am and can always turn around my outlook when it’s negative! I can’t believe that i’m lucky enough to know such an incredible person. I know she’ll be able to guide me through the “big 18” and help me navigate this now seemingly larger world.

So June, give me all ya got, but i’m going to take it and run with it. I got this, and i’m fighting as hard as I can. I refuse to give up.
Great motivational song and the inspiration behind this blog post:


Naturopath Appointment

Appointment started at 9, didn’t walk out of the office until 11. Then I had school this afternoon. I’m exhausted.

The naturopath went well and he seems like he knows how to help me which is fantastic news. Only thing is that it’s going to involve a lot of herbs (mostly capsules) and then some liquids that I have to mix in with water. That and I have to drink 2 liters+ of water a day, and i’m someone who hates drinking water. It’s going to be hard but I hope i’ll get used to it, right now if I drink a glass of water in one sitting I feel like i’m going to throw up. Yuck. We’ll see…. my body is going to have to get used to it. I’m hypersensitive to taste,smell,sound, etc so this is going to be a real test for sure.

He also thinks that something is up with my liver (everything is clear on blood work in terms of my liver) but he said that and my brain seem to be really inflamed. Also that I have a build up of chemicals in my system which is also making me as sick as I am. He used “Autonomic Response Testing” to figure all of this out, though i’m not exactly sure how much of it I believe. Along with all of that I have a ton of sensitivities to different things like medications and foods. My diet will be changing A LOT which is going to be pretty hard, but again, I know i’ll get used to it. A lot of protein and pretty much cutting out everything else because my body seems to hate it. Sadly saying goodbye to gluten and dairy along with some other things *tear*.

Being an equestrian I have had several falls, one of which a many years ago got me kicked in the head. I was wearing a helmet but apparently that was a traumatic head injury and had thrown some things off in my body. He re-alligned my sacrum and some other wacky stuff and said I should be all set in that category and hopefully it’ll help some of the headaches and migranes i’ve been getting.

Besides ART, he used something called tapping. Now this drove me nuts to be completely honest. I’ve always been someone who doesn’t like being poked and prodded, now imagine a middle aged man constantly tapping your head and prodding different parts of you. He’s a very nice guy and very knowledgable, but by the end of the session I was ready to start tapping his head! GAH.

In a week i’ll be trying not to throw up while swallowing disgusting pills and drinking water with a bunch of minerals and stuff. Yay. Though it’s going to be hard I feel this is the right step in a positive direction….

I know i’ve left out a bunch of stuff so i’ll just end up incorporating that into some other posts in the next few days. Hope everyone is having a low pain day! I, for one, am off to go eat and crawl into bed early. Goodnight all 🙂

Moving in a positive direction

Maybe things are going to start coming together? Maybe, just maybe, things are getting better. It’s hard to get your hopes up when much of your life seems to be pretty negative.

For one, I did it and posted on FB. That was a huge step for me as I hide everything from everyone that I possibly can. I felt like it took some weight off of my shoulders because now it’s “out there” and maybe people will be more understanding. People were so supportive and it was a huge relief. I also had an amazing ride today and the pony was fantastic, nothing like a great ride to lift your spirits! Today I managed to give one of my pups a bath (which she surprisingly seemed to love) and have a great ride. Great day but boy am I exhausted!

We have found a naturopath who will *hopefully* be able to help and is very well known in my area. It seems promising and like a logical next step since I am quickly developing allergies to medications. We won’t be taking me off of antibiotics completely and I will still be on a few and possibly an IV, but my body has made it clear that it’s done. We are also NOT leaving my current doctor as I still need her supervision and help. She is very knowledgable and will get me feeling better, it’s just going to take longer than we had hoped. That’s okay, i’m accepting it. As long as I can get out of my bed in the morning and get myself through the day we’re all good. We are looking for something to support my immune system as well as help my body to “chill out” as I like to say. Right now it seems as if it’s in a constant panic mode and everything new we try to introduce is just going to backfire and cause a lot of issues. I have had way too many hospital visits and I would like to not have to ever go again if at all possible!

ALSO. School is slowly coming together. Still have some stuff to figure out and I don’t want to jinx anything but we’ll see. I’m excited to get back to work.

I still have a few weeks off of pt which i’m so happy about. I really just needed a break from the environment. Don’t get me wrong, my pt is fantastic and she’s very nice, but when you’ve been in PT for over 2 years sometimes you just need to step back and give yourself a bit of a break if you can. I’m making sure I don’t slide down hill in that aspect (though my ankle is starting to get mad at me… grrr) but i’m hanging in and am thankful for the time off.

So today has been a good day. Physically I feel like i’ve been beat up by a big bully, but emotionally i’m in a good mind set. And personally I can handle the physical issues (most of the time) but the emotional ones are the ones that tend to tear me down.

That is all for today. Stay strong, keep fighting, one step at a time.

Oh what a long day!


6:00am i’m woken up by loud coughing, someone throwing up, and carrying on. It was my brother who apparently was sick and couldn’t use one of the bathrooms in my house that wasn’t close to my room. Sigh. Quickly curled up and headed back to bed.

8:20am. Now this one was interesting. My mom came barging into my room yelling at me telling me to get up because the Carbon Monoxide alarms were going off and she couldn’t get them to stop. Now anyone knows that when Carbon Monoxide alarms go off and you have checked them over for battery issues and stuff, YOU GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. So yeah, I got up, grabbed my dogs, and ran outside in my PJ’s to be greeted by the fire department. I could just feel the judgement as I was in short shorts and a t-shirt, but hey I just woke up and i’m sick! Thankfully we got the all clear and could go back inside.

That’s how my morning went. Afternoon was quieter which I spent resting and a couple of hours at the barn. I always say that I ride better when I feel like shit which I proved again today. That’s just how it goes.

Looks like we’ll be headed to a naturopath since i’m now allergic to medications that were supposed to solve all of this for me. Filled out some paper work tonight and realized that soon i’ll be signing for myself, which also made me think about how long i’ve been sick for. Though all of this has been Hell, i’ve matured a lot because of it and gained life experiences that many others won’t have. Trying to find a little positive in every negative 🙂

Have been super sensitive to light and sound today so really looking forward to crawling back in bed. So for today, that is all.

Write tomorrow. Stay strong, keep fighting, one step at a time.

Change in a little bit of everything


Change has a very big meaning behind a relatively short word. Change means that something around you is soon going to be different, for better or for worse. Sometimes you have control over change and you’re the one who initiated it, or it can be something that you had absolutely no say in.

Right now change is coming into play in my life. Things just aren’t working out medically so we have started to look at what that new “change” will be. Many people struggle with change but I had never been one who has a hard time with it. I used to be the one who would rearrange my room every week, maybe even more than once a week, or make some other change on a daily basis. Not so much anymore, anything being out of its “norm” sends me into a panic. My brain is not where it was when I was younger (I say this like i’m 80, i feel like it, but in reality i’m only 17) and having to figure everything out again is stressful. My body no longer feels like dealing with some antibiotics and it has an absolute blast making me as itchy and uncomfortable as possible. It does a pretty good job also letting the world know that it hates me by announcing it with a huge red rash that sometimes covers my neck, back, chest, and stomach when it gets pissed off. I swear I look like christmas tree lights gone horribly wrong! *Sigh* it’s always something new and interesting.

Since I got sick 2 years ago I have never once put anything out on my Facebook that relates to RSD (which we thought I had at the time) or Lyme. Ever. I’ve hidden all of this from those who I can possibly hide it from. I hate the feeling of having someone pity me or feel sorry for me. Plus, when you put something out there you get those people who just hang around you to get the “dirt” then go and tell others. I’m embarrassed now that I was ever embarrassed about it as none of this is my fault and I never once asked for any of this. It was just something awkward I really didn’t want to talk about. Though it still is kind of awkward and maybe even a little “taboo” for me to talk about, i’m ready for this next step… I think. In the next few days i’ll be putting something “out there” for my FB friends to see. My friend and I (another Lymie) took the Lyme Disease challenge today and the faces her and I made in the photos were just hilarious, so why not share it? If nothing else it’s a good laugh and it’ll have people asking why we both have bright green lymes in our mouths! We’ll see, this is one change that i’m excited for and happy about. Putting something out there will take some weight off of my shoulders I think and maybe even bring some awareness. Who knows- May is Lyme Disease Awareness month and anything is possible!

Riding wise not much has changed. I took this last weekend off from riding because of a horrible ride on Friday. My confidence which was once high quickly hit the ground and ran away as fast as it could. I haven’t found it yet, maybe it’ll decide to come back before my lesson tomorrow? How amazing would that be? If anyone would like to find it and convince it to come back I would be eternally grateful, and so would my horse! I haven’t been so positive in terms of my mindset recently when it comes to riding. I have always been extremely hard on myself and don’t cut myself any slack, even though my trainer thinks that i’m being too hard on myself. I am constantly in my own head worrying about every single thing i’m doing wrong and telling myself that i’m a horrible rider. The horrible ride on Friday made those thoughts even louder and really managed to get to me. The thoughts got loud enough to let the flood gates in my eyes open and allow the tears to fall. It wasn’t a good day and I went home upset- which is never how I like to leave the barn. I’m hoping i’ll have a better ride tomorrow and be able to just relax.

I also find it quite amazing that both Marybeth and I (if there is such a thing as a soul sister- she definitely is it) both posted about change today. I had been thinking of this blog post all day long as I drove to see my friend and find it amazing that we are both on the same page! You should definitely check out her blog here 🙂

Goodnight everyone. Stay strong and keep fighting, one day at a time.