I Wish I Knew Where I Was Going

Don’t take the title literally, most of the time I know where i’m going when it comes to navigating streets or getting around town. I have some sense of direction in that sense and don’t physically get lost often. Emotionally, I can’t say the same. I’ve been slowly making progress in treatment, or at least I like to think so, though we’re still trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together to try and figure out how to make me feel better. I am confident in my doctors/rest of my team to get me there. Even if it takes time, i’m okay with it.

The past few months have been hard. I’ve been trying to cope with growing anxiety as well as physically not feeling well. My mind, quite honestly, never shuts the hell up. I wish it would. I wish I could stop thinking and stop worrying. I wish I could stop a compulsive habit that i’ve developed. I just want the world to stop moving for a bit so I can catch up and sort things out. Sadly, it obviously doesn’t work that way. I am trying to find my way while trying to keep myself surrounded by positive people, and people who are going to be there to support me. I need to keep my head above water, and I am, it just feels like sometimes everything is so heavy and is trying to drag me under. It’s scary and sometimes, even the toughest of the tough get scared. I’m a kid with a body that feels like it’s 80 and a mind way beyond the 18 years that i’ve lived. I’ve been through so much at this point and sometimes I stumble across photos from before I got sick, and for just a moment, close my eyes and try to remember the easier times. I hope and know that i’ll one day feel like the healthy 14 year old that I left behind 4, almost 5, years ago. I’ll keep fighting day and night just so I can take one baby step closer to life after Lyme.

With my birthday looming in less than two months, i’m hoping for a better 19 than the 18 that I was given. If it doesn’t happen, though i’ll be crushed, i’ll  move on and hope for a better 20.

Stay strong. One day at a time.

 

Advertisements

Things are lookin’ up

5/26/15

I hadn’t written for a few days because frankly I was in a very bad mood. Things weren’t going my way and saying that I was extremely stressed about this whole new diet is an understatement. The idea of getting rid of pretty much every single thing i’m used to and replacing it with foods that i’m not used to was really getting on my nerves. Lets just say I wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around.

I also had a really bad lesson on Sunday. I was already in a bad mood and was upset and then my trainer went and yelled at me for a good 30 minutes. It was my fault because I wasn’t riding well, but still, it wasn’t what I needed. So yeah that ended in tears. Second time in two weeks… how embarrassing.

I had tutoring for school today as well. It went as well as it could considering i’m back to not sleeping at all, getting horrendous headaches, and feeling extremely crappy all around. Even though I wasn’t feeling well for whatever reason I decided that it would be a good idea to go bounce on the trampoline. Didn’t go on it once… or twice… but three times. And did a loooooot of jumping. It was so much fun but now i’m paying for it. Still haven’t learned my lesson, i’m sure i’ll be back on it in the next week or so!

So that is all. Hopefully will get back on track with writing. For now i’m going to go snuggle under some fuzzy blankets and watch Netflix! I’m sure the next few days will be better and more hopeful, but only time will tell. Oh! And I turn 18 a week from tomorrow. Really hoping that 18 will be a great year and i’ll be able to get back to being a kid. Hope everyone is hanging in and staying strong 🙂

A beautiful day

It’s an absolutely gorgeous day out today. One of those days that I absolutely love just sitting inside with the windows wide open and the sun shining in. You’re probably wondering right now why I don’t go sit outside and enjoy this beautiful weather, well the answer is bugs. Yes, bugs. Bugs creep me out… A LOT. I can handle 1,200lb horse trying to kill me, but a tiny blood sucking bug? No thank you! Plus, a bug made me sick so I think it’s a legitimate reason, no?

Today is another lazy day which i’m more than happy about. Right now i’m just sitting inside watching my dogs take an afternoon snooze while listening to some quiet music. I think some adult birds may be teaching their babies to fly which is exciting and pretty cool to watch, nature is a fascinating thing if you ask me. The sun is out, the birds are chirping, and it’s a lazy day. Today is a good day if you ask me! Off to rest and take it easy for the rest of the day 🙂

Stay strong, keep fighting, one step at a time.

Oh what a long day!

5/13/15

6:00am i’m woken up by loud coughing, someone throwing up, and carrying on. It was my brother who apparently was sick and couldn’t use one of the bathrooms in my house that wasn’t close to my room. Sigh. Quickly curled up and headed back to bed.

8:20am. Now this one was interesting. My mom came barging into my room yelling at me telling me to get up because the Carbon Monoxide alarms were going off and she couldn’t get them to stop. Now anyone knows that when Carbon Monoxide alarms go off and you have checked them over for battery issues and stuff, YOU GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. So yeah, I got up, grabbed my dogs, and ran outside in my PJ’s to be greeted by the fire department. I could just feel the judgement as I was in short shorts and a t-shirt, but hey I just woke up and i’m sick! Thankfully we got the all clear and could go back inside.

That’s how my morning went. Afternoon was quieter which I spent resting and a couple of hours at the barn. I always say that I ride better when I feel like shit which I proved again today. That’s just how it goes.

Looks like we’ll be headed to a naturopath since i’m now allergic to medications that were supposed to solve all of this for me. Filled out some paper work tonight and realized that soon i’ll be signing for myself, which also made me think about how long i’ve been sick for. Though all of this has been Hell, i’ve matured a lot because of it and gained life experiences that many others won’t have. Trying to find a little positive in every negative 🙂

Have been super sensitive to light and sound today so really looking forward to crawling back in bed. So for today, that is all.

Write tomorrow. Stay strong, keep fighting, one step at a time.