I’m Still Me

Yeah, maybe things have changed a bit. Maybe i’m facing a chronic illness, maybe i’m facing one that is even threatening to take my life. Either way, please try to remember that i’m still me. I know things are different than they used to be and that my world, and maybe yours, has been turned upside down and spun 180 degrees. I might be too sick to get out of bed some days, or have to cancel plans last minute because I just don’t feel up to going out. Trust me, I don’t want it to be this way and though things may have changed, I don’t want you to treat me differently. I want to be that fun loving, excitable, and happy go lucky person that you used to know and somewhere beneath all of my symptoms, I still am that person.

I’m still that person that you shared many laughs with. I’m still that person that you hung out with and talked for hours on end about irrelevant drama with. I’m still that person that you ran around while we were screaming at the tops of our lungs, having not a care in the world. I’m still that person that you stayed up with until 3am binge movies and eating all the junk food we could get our hands on. I’m still that person that you came to when life just wasn’t going your way, and you needed someone who understood. I’m still that person you knew way before all of this happened. As much as things have changed, please help me keep some kind of normalcy in my life. I don’t want to forget the person that I used to be, and I don’t want you to forget it either. I don’t want our amazing memories to fade into the background of my new reality, wether this reality be just for now or for forever. I’m trying to keep those memories alive because right now i’m fighting to get that person back.

No matter what, don’t forget about that effervescent person that you used to know. It might be challenging for the eye to see, but please look just a little bit harder. Beneath the shell of my exhausted body and behind the tears that I occasionally shed, I am still in here. Please don’t forget about the real me.

I Wish I Knew Where I Was Going

Don’t take the title literally, most of the time I know where i’m going when it comes to navigating streets or getting around town. I have some sense of direction in that sense and don’t physically get lost often. Emotionally, I can’t say the same. I’ve been slowly making progress in treatment, or at least I like to think so, though we’re still trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together to try and figure out how to make me feel better. I am confident in my doctors/rest of my team to get me there. Even if it takes time, i’m okay with it.

The past few months have been hard. I’ve been trying to cope with growing anxiety as well as physically not feeling well. My mind, quite honestly, never shuts the hell up. I wish it would. I wish I could stop thinking and stop worrying. I wish I could stop a compulsive habit that i’ve developed. I just want the world to stop moving for a bit so I can catch up and sort things out. Sadly, it obviously doesn’t work that way. I am trying to find my way while trying to keep myself surrounded by positive people, and people who are going to be there to support me. I need to keep my head above water, and I am, it just feels like sometimes everything is so heavy and is trying to drag me under. It’s scary and sometimes, even the toughest of the tough get scared. I’m a kid with a body that feels like it’s 80 and a mind way beyond the 18 years that i’ve lived. I’ve been through so much at this point and sometimes I stumble across photos from before I got sick, and for just a moment, close my eyes and try to remember the easier times. I hope and know that i’ll one day feel like the healthy 14 year old that I left behind 4, almost 5, years ago. I’ll keep fighting day and night just so I can take one baby step closer to life after Lyme.

With my birthday looming in less than two months, i’m hoping for a better 19 than the 18 that I was given. If it doesn’t happen, though i’ll be crushed, i’ll  move on and hope for a better 20.

Stay strong. One day at a time.

 

Expect the Unexpected

It’s the only way to get through when things pop up unexpectedly. You prepare for the unexpected so you can better deal with it when something does arise. Today didn’t go my way and i’m having a very tough night if i’m being completely honest. Today was my 18th birthday, a milestone that I was more than excited to welcome. 18 is a big thing, at least it is for me, and it was something I really wanted to celebrate with nothing popping up. Being that i’m well, me, things of course didn’t go this way.

I started my morning and early afternoon off just fine as I headed over to the barn blasting all of my favorite music. I was by all means going to enjoy my day. June 3rd has been an important day to me for the last 18 years. Though i’ve spent my last two birthdays in doctors offices I was extremely determined not to let that happen this year. I had been telling my mom for weeks leading up to today that I wanted no doctors and nothing that had anything to do with anything medical. Didn’t happen. It was out of my control, but i’m still really upset over it.

A few days ago (I think Monday, so the 1st of June) a bat somehow made its way into my room. Don’t ask me how, I have absolutely no clue. It also died on my floor. Yeah…. gross. So I woke up that morning to a dead little bat on my floor. Queue screams and running down the hallway to my mom and dad. Long story short, we sent it off to be tested for any diseases, such as rabies. Now, the people at the town center (who sent it out to the state) assured us that they had not had a rabid bat in my area for 13 years. As soon as my mom told me this I said to her “Watch the bat that was in my room be the first to have rabies.” Well I was right. Test results came back today and it was positive for rabies.

I was at the barn when my mom got the call so I called to check in with her after I had ridden; having absolutely no idea about the news. She told me about the results and quickly had to let me go to call my doctor and hers. Soon enough I was in tears because I would be headed back to the hospital in an hour. I snuck a few pony cuddles and headed home, trying not to scream the entire drive home.

Headed to the hospital at 5pm and was there until about 8:15. Got 3 shots. 1 didn’t hurt at all, the other 2 HURT. Those other two were immunoglobin (probably spelled that wrong… sorry) just in case I had been exposed or the bat had bitten/touched me before he passed away. I have a very high pain tolerance but those felt like they were burning my spine and like my back was being pumped up with liquid. Lots of pressure and extremely uncomfortable.

Unfortunately i’m still not done. I have 3 more shots to do. One this Saturday and the other 2 spaced out over the next two weeks. Pretty upset and frustrated. The ONE day of the year I was determined to stay out of a doctors office just didn’t happen. My 18th birthday turned into a hospital party of making sure that i’m protected against rabies.  One bat ruined my day, and maybe I shouldn’t be letting it, but it was a huge disappointment and very upsetting. I just wanted a break…. just a break. One day off from this Hell.

So as I sit here in my bed extremely uncomfortable and sore i’m telling you, if you are ever touched by a bat or bitten please call your doctor. The shots hurt but rabies in humans is 100% lethal. Trust me, the pain of the shots definitely isn’t worth the possibility of losing your life.

I can only handle so much world…. please STOP!!

Titanium

I am titanium. I am strong… at least i’m trying to be. I’m trying to pick myself up and dust myself off, despite the many things trying to pull me back down to a darker place. I’ve been there and I was stuck there for what seemed to be very long time. I had someone pushing me (not family) to do and say things I was not comfortable with and at the time I felt there was only one way out. He was a male figure who I had put complete trust into but he ended up driving me into a deep depression. It was scary, and I know I will never go back to that place, but whenever I start feeling a wave of sadness come back over me it makes me nervous. I’m keeping my head above water. Not only am I keeping it above water but i’m floating on my own and am keeping myself in a positive environment and surrounding myself with those who love me and care for me. I’m in a good state of mind which is something I haven’t been able to say for a while now.

On a happier note, it is my birthday in less than 48 hours. What is this craziness? I’ll be 18. I can vote and i’m legally an adult. This is huge and I intend to make this birthday the best I can and NOT spend it in another doctors office! I’ll be spending my birthday with friends and of course my favorite horse. You’ll be able to find me blasting music in my car headed to the barn to have a great, no doctor no medical nothing, day! WAHOOOOOO! Of course being a safe driver at the same time! I’m hoping in the next few weeks i’ll be able to see one of my best friends, Marybeth. She has been like a sister to me and a best friend. She gives me amazing guidance as she is older than I am and can always turn around my outlook when it’s negative! I can’t believe that i’m lucky enough to know such an incredible person. I know she’ll be able to guide me through the “big 18” and help me navigate this now seemingly larger world.

So June, give me all ya got, but i’m going to take it and run with it. I got this, and i’m fighting as hard as I can. I refuse to give up.
Great motivational song and the inspiration behind this blog post:

Things are lookin’ up

5/26/15

I hadn’t written for a few days because frankly I was in a very bad mood. Things weren’t going my way and saying that I was extremely stressed about this whole new diet is an understatement. The idea of getting rid of pretty much every single thing i’m used to and replacing it with foods that i’m not used to was really getting on my nerves. Lets just say I wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around.

I also had a really bad lesson on Sunday. I was already in a bad mood and was upset and then my trainer went and yelled at me for a good 30 minutes. It was my fault because I wasn’t riding well, but still, it wasn’t what I needed. So yeah that ended in tears. Second time in two weeks… how embarrassing.

I had tutoring for school today as well. It went as well as it could considering i’m back to not sleeping at all, getting horrendous headaches, and feeling extremely crappy all around. Even though I wasn’t feeling well for whatever reason I decided that it would be a good idea to go bounce on the trampoline. Didn’t go on it once… or twice… but three times. And did a loooooot of jumping. It was so much fun but now i’m paying for it. Still haven’t learned my lesson, i’m sure i’ll be back on it in the next week or so!

So that is all. Hopefully will get back on track with writing. For now i’m going to go snuggle under some fuzzy blankets and watch Netflix! I’m sure the next few days will be better and more hopeful, but only time will tell. Oh! And I turn 18 a week from tomorrow. Really hoping that 18 will be a great year and i’ll be able to get back to being a kid. Hope everyone is hanging in and staying strong 🙂

Annoyed

5/23/15

I turn 18 in a week and all I want is freedom. Freedom to be a kid, freedom to make choices of my own. Freedom to decide what I want, not what someone else wants, for myself. I’m old enough and mature enough (I think) to know what would be the right path for me is or the right decisions.

My naturopath is demanding that I remove all computers and cell phones, and pretty much everything plugged in, from my room. This has me extremely annoyed. I am a typical 18 year old teenager who is attached to her cell phone and computer. I’m a social person even though i’m sick and am constantly texting friends until late at night or am on FB talking to people. Along with that I also have this blog which I am keen to keep using and writing on, and I do my best writing in my room at night. At least I think so. So this whole idea of “cut yourself off entirely and make it even more evident that you’re different” is not one I am fond of… at all.

This seems stupid, i’m sure, but this is one thing that I am NOT going to do. I am sleeping better since he adjusted my back and haven’t had nightmares so someone please tell me why the hell I have to remove them from my room. I DO NOT WANT TO. I have been sleeping with them for years and have never had any problems sleeping until I got sick, which is definitely from the Lyme. I do not believe that computers and my cell phone (all of which are turned off at bedtime) could be or would be disturbing my sleep. It’s stupid. Cut me off and isolate me a little more than ya already have, will ya? Jeeze! I swear sometimes doctors are aiming to cut me off from everyone and make my life just that much harder and more isolating. Even my mom is on his side. UGHHHH. It’s stupid and i’m not a happy camper tonight.

My Safe Place

The saddle has always been my favorite place to relax and think and probably always will be. Second best is taking a ride in the car, but there will never be a feeling that beats sitting on the back of a big warmblood.

Though riding is a dangerous sport and many have gotten hurt by these powerful animals, including myself, I will never feel more relaxed anywhere other than the saddle. I pretty much grew up riding and started in a lesson program as early as I could (5 or 6) so i’ve been around horses for a very long time. There are even pictures of me when I was very little being held by my mom and myself reaching out to touch a horse. Believe it or not, the first book my mom ever read to me was the famous “Black Beauty”. I was adopted but my birth mother also grew up around horses and loved them, so it’s pretty much in my blood. I have always been drawn to the amazing creatures and the incredible, indescribable, bond you can create with them.

On good days, you’ll find me at the barn. On bad days, you’ll find me dragging myself off of the couch to go to the barn. It’s my second home, somewhere that i’m comfortable and love being. Though fellow equestrians know that there can and usually is a lot of barn drama, my barn being no different, there are others there who share our passion and quickly become close friends. Even on a horrible day I will willingly go to the barn because if i’m not in the hospital there is no way i’ll be missing my treasured time at the barn.

So though many people would never say that being on the back of a 16hh horse cantering and navigating a course of jumps is their “safe place”, it sure is mine.

Thought I would include this lovely photo of the infamous George Morris. I, and many other equestrians pretty much live by this quote. If we're not on our way to the hospital, you can sure as hell bet we'll be getting back on!

Thought I would include this lovely photo of the infamous George Morris.  Many equestrians live by this quote when it comes to riding. If we’re not on our way to the hospital, you can sure as hell bet we’ll be getting back on!