Absent

I’ve been gone for a while… again. Not sure why I can’t get onto the bandwagon when it comes to WordPress. I feel like i’ll never gain a following on here, and while I know that that shouldn’t be my motivation to write it, shamefully, is. I do love writing, but I also love having an audience and getting feedback from said audience. It’s funny, i’m not an overly social person “in real life” but I love communicating through the internet and through social media. With that being said, what 19 year old doesn’t? I’m considering posting the link to my Tumblr if I haven’t already, I have a more consistent presence on there and sometimes (rarely) write about my life.

Change of topic, woohoo! Today was the election and my first time voting, i’m officially an adult in the eyes of the law (sort of, I still can’t drink) so this was a pretty exciting milestone. Tonight will be spent biting my nails and searching for a hard wall in my house to bang my head against if the election doesn’t go the way I would like. I’m hoping by the end of the night i’ll be singing “Never gonna be president now!” (Hamilton reference, if you get that we should be friends) about the candidate that I strongly dislike. Oh boy, we’re in for a long night!

Walking on Eggshells

I am currently feeling sad, frustrated, and unmotivated. I got up this morning in a fairly fowl mood which wasn’t surprising considering that recently I haven’t been much of a morning person. No big deal and I went on with my morning to get ready for physical therapy, as I do twice a week. Normally PT will put me in a better mood, but even today it couldn’t kick the mood I was in. It was a good session considering I rolled my ankle again the other day and had a not so hot lesson yesterday, but I still left feeling agitated, which is far from how I typically feel afterwards. This mood has continued throughout today so it has been a bit of a rough one for me. It’s okay and I know tomorrow will be better, but damn, today was hard. I’ve lashed out at my mom a few times (sorry mom) as well as my dad which he frankly, deserved. Not even “Hamilton” is pulling me out of this rut tonight, AKA those of you around me better run and hide, like now.

I’ve been known to set a little “too high” standards for myself and the last few days i’ve been shoved back into reality so maybe that’s the source of this mood. Between riding and PT, I have high expectations for myself and when I don’t reach those it frustrates the hell out of me. Instead of admitting that something is hard for me, i’ll find any way to swerve around admitting it. Now this has been going on a while and my PT has said a few times “There is no denial in the Nile”. You have to admit defeat to move forward at times, and I guess that’s where I stand at the moment, and it frustrates and confuses me. Hopefully tomorrow will be better and if I find the motivation to get myself out to the barn, that i’ll have a good ride.

The Future

The other day I was asked a question that took me by surprise and felt as if it required some thought. I still haven’t really responded in the way I would like, so I guess this is one way of doing it. A new found friend of mine (knew him back in middle school but we were never close or really ever talked) asked me if I was afraid of the future. My first instinct was to say “Hell no” and that’s what it was left at. Living with a chronic illness is scary,that’s an understatement, it can be absolutely terrifying. Each day varies in symptoms so you go to bed one night not knowing what the next day will be like. The change in symptoms from sunset to sunrise is astounding and unbelievable at times. Would I ever willingly admit I am scared? Nope. Am I terrified? Nope. But, am I scared? A little, yes. I’m an 18 year old kid who at 15 got sick and entered the adult world of medical jumble. This new world was unwelcome as I had entered it much quicker than I had ever anticipated. I wasn’t prepared in the least and I still had a VERY strong phobia of needles. That was terrifying, but i’m not terrified now. I’ve learned a lot from this whole thing and one of the biggest lessons has been not to dwell. Don’t dwell on the not so great past, don’t dwell on symptoms, don’t dwell on things in life that are bringing you down. Dwelling on the negative will only bring misery, so why do it? Instead, look where you are now and find the little ray of sunshine in each situation. It’s tough and probably not always possible, but it does help when you can find a little positive in such a huge negative. So though in the past I was absolutely terrified and facing the prospect of living the rest of my life in pain, i’m now trying to continue moving forward. I’m not scared of the future because every single day is different. No two days are 100% the same. I can’t look into a future and be scared about it when I don’t know what it will hold. I know as of right now more negatives will come my way, but I also hope and know that more positives will accompany them. I’m standing strong and living in the moment, things can always change.