I’ve been gone for a while… again. Not sure why I can’t get onto the bandwagon when it comes to WordPress. I feel like i’ll never gain a following on here, and while I know that that shouldn’t be my motivation to write it, shamefully, is. I do love writing, but I also love having an audience and getting feedback from said audience. It’s funny, i’m not an overly social person “in real life” but I love communicating through the internet and through social media. With that being said, what 19 year old doesn’t? I’m considering posting the link to my Tumblr if I haven’t already, I have a more consistent presence on there and sometimes (rarely) write about my life.
Change of topic, woohoo! Today was the election and my first time voting, i’m officially an adult in the eyes of the law (sort of, I still can’t drink) so this was a pretty exciting milestone. Tonight will be spent biting my nails and searching for a hard wall in my house to bang my head against if the election doesn’t go the way I would like. I’m hoping by the end of the night i’ll be singing “Never gonna be president now!” (Hamilton reference, if you get that we should be friends) about the candidate that I strongly dislike. Oh boy, we’re in for a long night!
There’s a quote that circulates in the equestrian community and one that many of us go by and follow which is “pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the saddle.” Though this obviously applies to equestrians specifically with the reference to the saddle, it can also be taken and used by others.
The naturopath appointment kind of knocked me down. Don’t get me wrong, it was a very positive appointment and one that provided great hope, but the future is scary. I am one who hates many foods and tastes and have a very low tolerance for new tastes, so taking a bunch of new things will be hard. My mom came up to me the other day and said in reference to pills that “the most you’ll have to take at once is 7.” 7 is no big deal, but that’s just at one time. I’ll be taking many others throughout the day and will probably get up to around 30 new things i’m introducing to my body. Plus all of the things i’ll be putting in my water. My body does not handle new things very well, even if they are natural like herbs, so i’m nervous about how this is going to go. I know many others have it worse, but I needed to get it out. It scared me and still does and knocked me off my feet. I hit the ground hard and it sure as hell gave me a reality check. I’m sick. If I don’t do this i’m not going to get better, rather i’ll slowly get worse. There is no way around this… and that’s terrifying.
I’m sure others are reading this shaking their heads that i’m complaining. This is my journey as a 17 year old, i’m not always going to be happy go lucky and this blog definitely shows that.
I’ll be riding tomorrow and I really hope that is able to help me get my mind off of things, at least for a little bit. Taking some deep breaths and preparing myself to walk down this new path with newfound hope and positivity.
Appointment started at 9, didn’t walk out of the office until 11. Then I had school this afternoon. I’m exhausted.
The naturopath went well and he seems like he knows how to help me which is fantastic news. Only thing is that it’s going to involve a lot of herbs (mostly capsules) and then some liquids that I have to mix in with water. That and I have to drink 2 liters+ of water a day, and i’m someone who hates drinking water. It’s going to be hard but I hope i’ll get used to it, right now if I drink a glass of water in one sitting I feel like i’m going to throw up. Yuck. We’ll see…. my body is going to have to get used to it. I’m hypersensitive to taste,smell,sound, etc so this is going to be a real test for sure.
He also thinks that something is up with my liver (everything is clear on blood work in terms of my liver) but he said that and my brain seem to be really inflamed. Also that I have a build up of chemicals in my system which is also making me as sick as I am. He used “Autonomic Response Testing” to figure all of this out, though i’m not exactly sure how much of it I believe. Along with all of that I have a ton of sensitivities to different things like medications and foods. My diet will be changing A LOT which is going to be pretty hard, but again, I know i’ll get used to it. A lot of protein and pretty much cutting out everything else because my body seems to hate it. Sadly saying goodbye to gluten and dairy along with some other things *tear*.
Being an equestrian I have had several falls, one of which a many years ago got me kicked in the head. I was wearing a helmet but apparently that was a traumatic head injury and had thrown some things off in my body. He re-alligned my sacrum and some other wacky stuff and said I should be all set in that category and hopefully it’ll help some of the headaches and migranes i’ve been getting.
Besides ART, he used something called tapping. Now this drove me nuts to be completely honest. I’ve always been someone who doesn’t like being poked and prodded, now imagine a middle aged man constantly tapping your head and prodding different parts of you. He’s a very nice guy and very knowledgable, but by the end of the session I was ready to start tapping his head! GAH.
In a week i’ll be trying not to throw up while swallowing disgusting pills and drinking water with a bunch of minerals and stuff. Yay. Though it’s going to be hard I feel this is the right step in a positive direction….
I know i’ve left out a bunch of stuff so i’ll just end up incorporating that into some other posts in the next few days. Hope everyone is having a low pain day! I, for one, am off to go eat and crawl into bed early. Goodnight all 🙂
Change has a very big meaning behind a relatively short word. Change means that something around you is soon going to be different, for better or for worse. Sometimes you have control over change and you’re the one who initiated it, or it can be something that you had absolutely no say in.
Right now change is coming into play in my life. Things just aren’t working out medically so we have started to look at what that new “change” will be. Many people struggle with change but I had never been one who has a hard time with it. I used to be the one who would rearrange my room every week, maybe even more than once a week, or make some other change on a daily basis. Not so much anymore, anything being out of its “norm” sends me into a panic. My brain is not where it was when I was younger (I say this like i’m 80, i feel like it, but in reality i’m only 17) and having to figure everything out again is stressful. My body no longer feels like dealing with some antibiotics and it has an absolute blast making me as itchy and uncomfortable as possible. It does a pretty good job also letting the world know that it hates me by announcing it with a huge red rash that sometimes covers my neck, back, chest, and stomach when it gets pissed off. I swear I look like christmas tree lights gone horribly wrong! *Sigh* it’s always something new and interesting.
Since I got sick 2 years ago I have never once put anything out on my Facebook that relates to RSD (which we thought I had at the time) or Lyme. Ever. I’ve hidden all of this from those who I can possibly hide it from. I hate the feeling of having someone pity me or feel sorry for me. Plus, when you put something out there you get those people who just hang around you to get the “dirt” then go and tell others. I’m embarrassed now that I was ever embarrassed about it as none of this is my fault and I never once asked for any of this. It was just something awkward I really didn’t want to talk about. Though it still is kind of awkward and maybe even a little “taboo” for me to talk about, i’m ready for this next step… I think. In the next few days i’ll be putting something “out there” for my FB friends to see. My friend and I (another Lymie) took the Lyme Disease challenge today and the faces her and I made in the photos were just hilarious, so why not share it? If nothing else it’s a good laugh and it’ll have people asking why we both have bright green lymes in our mouths! We’ll see, this is one change that i’m excited for and happy about. Putting something out there will take some weight off of my shoulders I think and maybe even bring some awareness. Who knows- May is Lyme Disease Awareness month and anything is possible!
Riding wise not much has changed. I took this last weekend off from riding because of a horrible ride on Friday. My confidence which was once high quickly hit the ground and ran away as fast as it could. I haven’t found it yet, maybe it’ll decide to come back before my lesson tomorrow? How amazing would that be? If anyone would like to find it and convince it to come back I would be eternally grateful, and so would my horse! I haven’t been so positive in terms of my mindset recently when it comes to riding. I have always been extremely hard on myself and don’t cut myself any slack, even though my trainer thinks that i’m being too hard on myself. I am constantly in my own head worrying about every single thing i’m doing wrong and telling myself that i’m a horrible rider. The horrible ride on Friday made those thoughts even louder and really managed to get to me. The thoughts got loud enough to let the flood gates in my eyes open and allow the tears to fall. It wasn’t a good day and I went home upset- which is never how I like to leave the barn. I’m hoping i’ll have a better ride tomorrow and be able to just relax.
I also find it quite amazing that both Marybeth and I (if there is such a thing as a soul sister- she definitely is it) both posted about change today. I had been thinking of this blog post all day long as I drove to see my friend and find it amazing that we are both on the same page! You should definitely check out her blog here 🙂
Goodnight everyone. Stay strong and keep fighting, one day at a time.