I Wish I Knew Where I Was Going

Don’t take the title literally, most of the time I know where i’m going when it comes to navigating streets or getting around town. I have some sense of direction in that sense and don’t physically get lost often. Emotionally, I can’t say the same. I’ve been slowly making progress in treatment, or at least I like to think so, though we’re still trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together to try and figure out how to make me feel better. I am confident in my doctors/rest of my team to get me there. Even if it takes time, i’m okay with it.

The past few months have been hard. I’ve been trying to cope with growing anxiety as well as physically not feeling well. My mind, quite honestly, never shuts the hell up. I wish it would. I wish I could stop thinking and stop worrying. I wish I could stop a compulsive habit that i’ve developed. I just want the world to stop moving for a bit so I can catch up and sort things out. Sadly, it obviously doesn’t work that way. I am trying to find my way while trying to keep myself surrounded by positive people, and people who are going to be there to support me. I need to keep my head above water, and I am, it just feels like sometimes everything is so heavy and is trying to drag me under. It’s scary and sometimes, even the toughest of the tough get scared. I’m a kid with a body that feels like it’s 80 and a mind way beyond the 18 years that i’ve lived. I’ve been through so much at this point and sometimes I stumble across photos from before I got sick, and for just a moment, close my eyes and try to remember the easier times. I hope and know that i’ll one day feel like the healthy 14 year old that I left behind 4, almost 5, years ago. I’ll keep fighting day and night just so I can take one baby step closer to life after Lyme.

With my birthday looming in less than two months, i’m hoping for a better 19 than the 18 that I was given. If it doesn’t happen, though i’ll be crushed, i’ll  move on and hope for a better 20.

Stay strong. One day at a time.

 

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