I’m fighting against my own body, i’m fighting against all the wrongs that it seems to think are right. I’m fighting constantly, even while i’m sleeping my body is waging a war, never getting a second off. When i’m sleeping i’m reminded of this endless battle I am fighting, the nightmares are unbearable and at times extremely violent and horrific. Often on my “Nightmare Nights” I wake up drenched in sweat, crying, and scared out of my mind. So at that point I have two options, one being that I could stay awake and feel the physical pain throughout my body, or I could go back to sleep and face all my real life fears there. Not only that, but when i’m in those nightmares I cannot wake myself up. I’ve tried multiple times but the only thing that will wake me up in my dream is pretty much something catastrophic happening either to myself or to my family. Nothing is “off limits” to my brain and trust me, it gets pretty darn creative. If you took a look inside of my head on one of those nights you would see plane crashes, boats sinking, bridges collapsing, criminals coming after me… you name it my brain has already come up with it. I’ve even had a nightmare about hot sauce, yes you read that right, hot sauce.
If you are not a “Spoonie” as they call people who are sick with various illnesses, which I absolutely despise being labeled as, you probably wouldn’t understand. It is one thing to be on the outside watching your loved one turn into a shell of who they once used to be, but it’s a whole other ball game being the one stuck inside of the torture chamber. I am constantly fighting against the physical pain, but the emotional pain is starting to take a toll on me. I just feel worn down, exhausted both mentally and physically, Every new symptom that pops up just drives me even more insane than the previous one, my pain tolerance seems to have gotten lower. My patience is dwindling and my happiness comes and goes. Motivation? Sheesh, that left a few weeks ago. I’ve lost my drive, and I know it’ll come back, but right now things are hard.
I got to watch many people I knew leave my life when I first got sick, then the other day watch them graduate. I’m jealous that their worlds are still spinning while mine seems to be at a standstill. They have genuine smiles on their faces as they will be headed off to college in the Fall while i’m at home on my couch hooked up to an IV. Am I mad at them for it? No, absolutely not. Am I jealous? Extremely. I’m still fighting and I still have a fight ahead of me, every day is a fight. Am I going to give up? No. Am I going to keep fighting? Yes. I am getting kicked down right now but as I slowly find my balance on my feet I will kick it right back down. I will not stop fighting until the fight is fought. I’m going to win…. I will win.
“Just because it burns it doesn’t mean you’re gonna die, you gotta get up and try try try…” – P!nk