Jealousy

I’m jealous. Not something i’m proud of, and definitely not proud of the fact that the person i’m jealous of is my brother! It’s a valid reason(s) as to why I am but it’s just weird. I don’t know.

As i’ve said before we’re twins, so we’ve always been competing against one another weather it be in school or in sports. We were always kind of on the same “level” so there wasn’t very much for either of us to be jealous about when it came to one another. But now that we are on a different level school wise and friends wise, the jealousy on my end might just be beginning to show… though I would deny it anywhere but this blog. Oops.

We’re both 17 (turning 18 in less than a month) so this is the time in teens lives where they get to go out and have fun, meaning prom and hanging out with friends….. aaaaaand graduation. He’s graduating this year, i’m not. That’s the straightest way to put it. And i’m beyond jealous. I hide it as best as I can but ugh it’s so frustrating! I’m the better student between the two of us (or at least I was before I got sick) and I have always cared more about school and my grades than he has. Now take that, and imagine how it would feel to see your brother (who oh by the way doesn’t care about school) walk across the stage and graduate while you have been sick and all you can do is sit and watch. Yeah. Not fun. What has he done to deserve that? I’ve had a 24/7 job for over 2 years now and I don’t get a certificate for that, do I? I’m not complaining or anything (yes I am) but it’s so annoying. And that’s why I won’t be going to his graduation. Yada yada ya, once in a lifetime experience, blah blah blah, can’t ever go back and go, blah yada I DON’T CARE. Not going. That’s the end of that.

Besides school, he gets to spend time with friends and go to PROM. This isn’t as big of a deal to me as the school thing is as I do have a great support system and friends to stand behind me, but it’s just I was supposed to go this year. I was SUPPOSED to go. It was SUPPOSED to be my senior year and senior prom. But I CAN’T go. I’m way too light and sound sensitive for it to even be an option. You would probably find me in the corner in the fetal position with my makeup smeared which isn’t exactly picture perfect. He gets to go out and party while i’m home most nights lacking the motivation or desire to get off of the couch. Le sigh.

None of this is any fault of his own and maybe i’m asking too much, but I WISH he would appreciate how great he has it. He is living his life while mine is on hold and I wish he could see that he needs to be thankful for his health and everything he has.

Taking deep breaths and trying not to scream. It’s gonna be a looooong rest of the day.

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