Change has a very big meaning behind a relatively short word. Change means that something around you is soon going to be different, for better or for worse. Sometimes you have control over change and you’re the one who initiated it, or it can be something that you had absolutely no say in.
Right now change is coming into play in my life. Things just aren’t working out medically so we have started to look at what that new “change” will be. Many people struggle with change but I had never been one who has a hard time with it. I used to be the one who would rearrange my room every week, maybe even more than once a week, or make some other change on a daily basis. Not so much anymore, anything being out of its “norm” sends me into a panic. My brain is not where it was when I was younger (I say this like i’m 80, i feel like it, but in reality i’m only 17) and having to figure everything out again is stressful. My body no longer feels like dealing with some antibiotics and it has an absolute blast making me as itchy and uncomfortable as possible. It does a pretty good job also letting the world know that it hates me by announcing it with a huge red rash that sometimes covers my neck, back, chest, and stomach when it gets pissed off. I swear I look like christmas tree lights gone horribly wrong! *Sigh* it’s always something new and interesting.
Since I got sick 2 years ago I have never once put anything out on my Facebook that relates to RSD (which we thought I had at the time) or Lyme. Ever. I’ve hidden all of this from those who I can possibly hide it from. I hate the feeling of having someone pity me or feel sorry for me. Plus, when you put something out there you get those people who just hang around you to get the “dirt” then go and tell others. I’m embarrassed now that I was ever embarrassed about it as none of this is my fault and I never once asked for any of this. It was just something awkward I really didn’t want to talk about. Though it still is kind of awkward and maybe even a little “taboo” for me to talk about, i’m ready for this next step… I think. In the next few days i’ll be putting something “out there” for my FB friends to see. My friend and I (another Lymie) took the Lyme Disease challenge today and the faces her and I made in the photos were just hilarious, so why not share it? If nothing else it’s a good laugh and it’ll have people asking why we both have bright green lymes in our mouths! We’ll see, this is one change that i’m excited for and happy about. Putting something out there will take some weight off of my shoulders I think and maybe even bring some awareness. Who knows- May is Lyme Disease Awareness month and anything is possible!
Riding wise not much has changed. I took this last weekend off from riding because of a horrible ride on Friday. My confidence which was once high quickly hit the ground and ran away as fast as it could. I haven’t found it yet, maybe it’ll decide to come back before my lesson tomorrow? How amazing would that be? If anyone would like to find it and convince it to come back I would be eternally grateful, and so would my horse! I haven’t been so positive in terms of my mindset recently when it comes to riding. I have always been extremely hard on myself and don’t cut myself any slack, even though my trainer thinks that i’m being too hard on myself. I am constantly in my own head worrying about every single thing i’m doing wrong and telling myself that i’m a horrible rider. The horrible ride on Friday made those thoughts even louder and really managed to get to me. The thoughts got loud enough to let the flood gates in my eyes open and allow the tears to fall. It wasn’t a good day and I went home upset- which is never how I like to leave the barn. I’m hoping i’ll have a better ride tomorrow and be able to just relax.
I also find it quite amazing that both Marybeth and I (if there is such a thing as a soul sister- she definitely is it) both posted about change today. I had been thinking of this blog post all day long as I drove to see my friend and find it amazing that we are both on the same page! You should definitely check out her blog here 🙂
Goodnight everyone. Stay strong and keep fighting, one day at a time.