Yesterday was just that, I was in a maze of pain, sadness, and confusion. I am not one to feel bad for myself or ask “why me?” very often, but yesterday was just a day that I couldn’t keep that thought out of my mind.
We tried to start a new oral antibiotic Wednesday night and it didn’t go exactly as we had hoped. In the past I had a severe anaphylactic reaction and it quickly scared the hell out of me. It made me want to stop everything that we were doing in fear of another one hitting me. Nothing has stuck in my mind more than that night and listening to my brother on the phone with 911 while feeling the stinging pain in my spine and being convinced that an elephant was sitting on my chest. All I could do was scream at my mom to help me while trying to keep myself from passing out. It was absolutely terrifying and I am keen to avoid any repeat of that experience at all costs. We have been easing my mind by having me sit in the office while we start a new med (especially an IV) but this one we didn’t since we thought I would be okay. Now thankfully it didn’t turn into an anaphylactic reaction (we have an epi pen just in case it ever gets to that point again) but within 20 minutes my whole chest, back, shoulders, and neck were covered in a nasty rash that was extremely itchy and hot to the touch. I’ve been through a lot but I always say one of the things I cannot handle is being itchy. Benadryl came to save the day and I was able to get some rest that night which my body definitely needed. Then yesterday morning (Thursday) I woke up and the rash was back and had spread. That threw me over the edge and I had a total meltdown, mainly because I was so uncomfortable but also because I got hit again with the wave of self pity.
I spent most of yesterday crying and trying to get the flare caused by the reaction calmed down. I un-accessed my port because I couldn’t take the tube or anything touching my skin as the rash had surrounded the area by my port as well. I HATE complaining as I know others have it far worse than I do, but yesterday none of that mattered to me. The massive migraine soon attacked and put me out of commission for the day. It was a very long day but i’m back on track today. The rash is still clearing up but seems to be on it’s way out and i’m in a better place mentally. The pain has also calmed down and I was able to sleep last night and woke up with no migraine, wooo! Today is going to be a good day, today is going to be a good day, today is going to be a good day….
Headed off to the barn later to see my boy and ride so I know for sure that later there will be a smile on my face. Staying positive and taking this adventure one day at a time.
“This is my fight song, take back my life song… prove i’m alright song.” (Rachel Platten- Fight Song)