Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays!

Ah, the holidays. I’d be lying if I said that I don’t absolutely adore this time of year. People are happier (kind of), nicer, and though probably a bit more stressed, seem lighter in a way. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but I hope it does.

Christmas today has been wonderful and a much needed day to relax at home and enjoy being around the fam. We all live under one roof (except for my brother who is away at college for the majority of the year) and we’re usually headed in different directions, so to be together is sadly, rare. Is what it is, just makes being together even more special!

Updates:

  • My normal PT has been away for the past few weeks so i’ve been working with another PT who I worked with for a year. Taking a different approach to things while we wait for him to get back… always good to get a second opinion!
  • Acupuncture was getting a bit complicated and confusing for a while there, in the sense that we had absolutely no idea whatsoever what was going on. BUT, that seems to have changed and now we may have found the source for some of my symptoms… whoopie!
  • Going to see some myofascial guy next weekend about my ankle to see if he can get my motor control moving in a better direction.
  • Riding is on the back burner right now. My old lease went home and we brought in a new horse for trial. She quickly re-aquainted me with the ground so it’s fair to say that it didn’t work out and we’re back to searching for a new horse. *Sigh*, wasn’t meant to be. Oh well.

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I’m Still Me

Yeah, maybe things have changed a bit. Maybe i’m facing a chronic illness, maybe i’m facing one that is even threatening to take my life. Either way, please try to remember that i’m still me. I know things are different than they used to be and that my world, and maybe yours, has been turned upside down and spun 180 degrees. I might be too sick to get out of bed some days, or have to cancel plans last minute because I just don’t feel up to going out. Trust me, I don’t want it to be this way and though things may have changed, I don’t want you to treat me differently. I want to be that fun loving, excitable, and happy go lucky person that you used to know and somewhere beneath all of my symptoms, I still am that person.

I’m still that person that you shared many laughs with. I’m still that person that you hung out with and talked for hours on end about irrelevant drama with. I’m still that person that you ran around while we were screaming at the tops of our lungs, having not a care in the world. I’m still that person that you stayed up with until 3am binge movies and eating all the junk food we could get our hands on. I’m still that person that you came to when life just wasn’t going your way, and you needed someone who understood. I’m still that person you knew way before all of this happened. As much as things have changed, please help me keep some kind of normalcy in my life. I don’t want to forget the person that I used to be, and I don’t want you to forget it either. I don’t want our amazing memories to fade into the background of my new reality, wether this reality be just for now or for forever. I’m trying to keep those memories alive because right now i’m fighting to get that person back.

No matter what, don’t forget about that effervescent person that you used to know. It might be challenging for the eye to see, but please look just a little bit harder. Beneath the shell of my exhausted body and behind the tears that I occasionally shed, I am still in here. Please don’t forget about the real me.

I Wish I Knew Where I Was Going

Don’t take the title literally, most of the time I know where i’m going when it comes to navigating streets or getting around town. I have some sense of direction in that sense and don’t physically get lost often. Emotionally, I can’t say the same. I’ve been slowly making progress in treatment, or at least I like to think so, though we’re still trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together to try and figure out how to make me feel better. I am confident in my doctors/rest of my team to get me there. Even if it takes time, i’m okay with it.

The past few months have been hard. I’ve been trying to cope with growing anxiety as well as physically not feeling well. My mind, quite honestly, never shuts the hell up. I wish it would. I wish I could stop thinking and stop worrying. I wish I could stop a compulsive habit that i’ve developed. I just want the world to stop moving for a bit so I can catch up and sort things out. Sadly, it obviously doesn’t work that way. I am trying to find my way while trying to keep myself surrounded by positive people, and people who are going to be there to support me. I need to keep my head above water, and I am, it just feels like sometimes everything is so heavy and is trying to drag me under. It’s scary and sometimes, even the toughest of the tough get scared. I’m a kid with a body that feels like it’s 80 and a mind way beyond the 18 years that i’ve lived. I’ve been through so much at this point and sometimes I stumble across photos from before I got sick, and for just a moment, close my eyes and try to remember the easier times. I hope and know that i’ll one day feel like the healthy 14 year old that I left behind 4, almost 5, years ago. I’ll keep fighting day and night just so I can take one baby step closer to life after Lyme.

With my birthday looming in less than two months, i’m hoping for a better 19 than the 18 that I was given. If it doesn’t happen, though i’ll be crushed, i’ll  move on and hope for a better 20.

Stay strong. One day at a time.

 

Loss

I’ve lost a lot of things since I became sick. I’ve lost friends, i’ve lost my health, i’ve lost my ability to ride my horse. I’ve been surrounded by loss and i’ve dealt with it and taken it in stride. I’ve always been able to jump over those hurdles, or at least pull

myself over them. Yesterday I lost something, someone, that meant more to me than I can ever explain. She was my 15 year old dog. Her name was Belle (I called her Bella) which stands for “beautiful” in Italian. She was an absolutely gorgeous dog, both inside and out. We rescued her when she was about 1 (I was about 4) from a shelter not far from where I live. She had been in a bad situation where (we think) the man was abusive towards his wife or kids. We think that because from the minute she came home she protected both my mom and I, more so myself as I was little and she seemed to understand that. I pretty much grew up with her by my side. Whenever I was sick she wouldn’t leave my side and rightfully earned her nickname of “nurse dog.” A year or so ago someone tried to enter my house while I was home alone. Even in her old age, Belle growled the most viscous growl while showing her teeth and keeping an eye on me in the other room to make sure that I was safe. Thankfully whoever it was left before even taking more than a few steps into the house and Belle is to thank for that. Belle was my girl, she stayed by my side throughout my entire Lyme journey up to this point. She was there for me, always making me laugh and smile through the tears. Whenever I was upset she would be by my side or just tried to show me that she was there. My little sparkle of life isn’t here anymore and my heart couldn’t be anymore broken. Yesterday we did the last kind thing we could do for her, we released her from the pain that she had so bravely withstood. Yesterday my beautiful sparkle of light, my beautiful Bella girl, left this world. I miss her to a point that words cannot even describe, I will miss her to no end but now know that there is a sparkle of light up there somewhere keeping watch over me. Bella girl, mama loves you and is so thankful that you came into my life. Thank you for just being you, thank you for being my girl, thank you for being my best friend. I love you so so much. This isn’t a goodbye, it’s just a see you later my little angel 💕12063593_1015453251855227_5644274297517081134_n (1)

Expect the Unexpected

It’s the only way to get through when things pop up unexpectedly. You prepare for the unexpected so you can better deal with it when something does arise. Today didn’t go my way and i’m having a very tough night if i’m being completely honest. Today was my 18th birthday, a milestone that I was more than excited to welcome. 18 is a big thing, at least it is for me, and it was something I really wanted to celebrate with nothing popping up. Being that i’m well, me, things of course didn’t go this way.

I started my morning and early afternoon off just fine as I headed over to the barn blasting all of my favorite music. I was by all means going to enjoy my day. June 3rd has been an important day to me for the last 18 years. Though i’ve spent my last two birthdays in doctors offices I was extremely determined not to let that happen this year. I had been telling my mom for weeks leading up to today that I wanted no doctors and nothing that had anything to do with anything medical. Didn’t happen. It was out of my control, but i’m still really upset over it.

A few days ago (I think Monday, so the 1st of June) a bat somehow made its way into my room. Don’t ask me how, I have absolutely no clue. It also died on my floor. Yeah…. gross. So I woke up that morning to a dead little bat on my floor. Queue screams and running down the hallway to my mom and dad. Long story short, we sent it off to be tested for any diseases, such as rabies. Now, the people at the town center (who sent it out to the state) assured us that they had not had a rabid bat in my area for 13 years. As soon as my mom told me this I said to her “Watch the bat that was in my room be the first to have rabies.” Well I was right. Test results came back today and it was positive for rabies.

I was at the barn when my mom got the call so I called to check in with her after I had ridden; having absolutely no idea about the news. She told me about the results and quickly had to let me go to call my doctor and hers. Soon enough I was in tears because I would be headed back to the hospital in an hour. I snuck a few pony cuddles and headed home, trying not to scream the entire drive home.

Headed to the hospital at 5pm and was there until about 8:15. Got 3 shots. 1 didn’t hurt at all, the other 2 HURT. Those other two were immunoglobin (probably spelled that wrong… sorry) just in case I had been exposed or the bat had bitten/touched me before he passed away. I have a very high pain tolerance but those felt like they were burning my spine and like my back was being pumped up with liquid. Lots of pressure and extremely uncomfortable.

Unfortunately i’m still not done. I have 3 more shots to do. One this Saturday and the other 2 spaced out over the next two weeks. Pretty upset and frustrated. The ONE day of the year I was determined to stay out of a doctors office just didn’t happen. My 18th birthday turned into a hospital party of making sure that i’m protected against rabies.  One bat ruined my day, and maybe I shouldn’t be letting it, but it was a huge disappointment and very upsetting. I just wanted a break…. just a break. One day off from this Hell.

So as I sit here in my bed extremely uncomfortable and sore i’m telling you, if you are ever touched by a bat or bitten please call your doctor. The shots hurt but rabies in humans is 100% lethal. Trust me, the pain of the shots definitely isn’t worth the possibility of losing your life.

I can only handle so much world…. please STOP!!

Titanium

I am titanium. I am strong… at least i’m trying to be. I’m trying to pick myself up and dust myself off, despite the many things trying to pull me back down to a darker place. I’ve been there and I was stuck there for what seemed to be very long time. I had someone pushing me (not family) to do and say things I was not comfortable with and at the time I felt there was only one way out. He was a male figure who I had put complete trust into but he ended up driving me into a deep depression. It was scary, and I know I will never go back to that place, but whenever I start feeling a wave of sadness come back over me it makes me nervous. I’m keeping my head above water. Not only am I keeping it above water but i’m floating on my own and am keeping myself in a positive environment and surrounding myself with those who love me and care for me. I’m in a good state of mind which is something I haven’t been able to say for a while now.

On a happier note, it is my birthday in less than 48 hours. What is this craziness? I’ll be 18. I can vote and i’m legally an adult. This is huge and I intend to make this birthday the best I can and NOT spend it in another doctors office! I’ll be spending my birthday with friends and of course my favorite horse. You’ll be able to find me blasting music in my car headed to the barn to have a great, no doctor no medical nothing, day! WAHOOOOOO! Of course being a safe driver at the same time! I’m hoping in the next few weeks i’ll be able to see one of my best friends, Marybeth. She has been like a sister to me and a best friend. She gives me amazing guidance as she is older than I am and can always turn around my outlook when it’s negative! I can’t believe that i’m lucky enough to know such an incredible person. I know she’ll be able to guide me through the “big 18” and help me navigate this now seemingly larger world.

So June, give me all ya got, but i’m going to take it and run with it. I got this, and i’m fighting as hard as I can. I refuse to give up.
Great motivational song and the inspiration behind this blog post:

Things are lookin’ up

5/26/15

I hadn’t written for a few days because frankly I was in a very bad mood. Things weren’t going my way and saying that I was extremely stressed about this whole new diet is an understatement. The idea of getting rid of pretty much every single thing i’m used to and replacing it with foods that i’m not used to was really getting on my nerves. Lets just say I wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around.

I also had a really bad lesson on Sunday. I was already in a bad mood and was upset and then my trainer went and yelled at me for a good 30 minutes. It was my fault because I wasn’t riding well, but still, it wasn’t what I needed. So yeah that ended in tears. Second time in two weeks… how embarrassing.

I had tutoring for school today as well. It went as well as it could considering i’m back to not sleeping at all, getting horrendous headaches, and feeling extremely crappy all around. Even though I wasn’t feeling well for whatever reason I decided that it would be a good idea to go bounce on the trampoline. Didn’t go on it once… or twice… but three times. And did a loooooot of jumping. It was so much fun but now i’m paying for it. Still haven’t learned my lesson, i’m sure i’ll be back on it in the next week or so!

So that is all. Hopefully will get back on track with writing. For now i’m going to go snuggle under some fuzzy blankets and watch Netflix! I’m sure the next few days will be better and more hopeful, but only time will tell. Oh! And I turn 18 a week from tomorrow. Really hoping that 18 will be a great year and i’ll be able to get back to being a kid. Hope everyone is hanging in and staying strong 🙂